Can you REALLY not be unreachable for a few hours per day?

Musings on mortality, Severance, and my phone-free experiment

My month without bringing my phone outside has started to feel somewhat mundane. The first two weeks required some workarounds and extra effort (more on that below), but at this point, I’m getting used to it. A phone is damn convenient, but going around town without one is easier than I expected.

Emergencies come up often in conversations about this one-month experiment. I considered them beforehand and realized I’d never actually needed my phone for an urgent situation in the moment. I’d have to be very unlucky if this turned out to be the month where it did. Life can be uneventful at times, but in the last weeks, two friends had medical emergencies in their families, and one close friend needed immediate surgery. I’ll skip the details for privacy, but these were serious situations. They made me wonder, and I keep arriving at the same conclusion.

Had I been out when receiving news about emergencies like these, it would have distracted me, pulled me out of the moment, wanting to go home to deal with it. Although in my equivalent of these cases, they would all have been far away. I can actually only think of two scenarios where it would have made a difference. Maybe there are more, please enlighten me in the comments, and be patient with the privilege that I have that I can’t think of more situations that would affect me:

1. Someone is fully dependent on me. If I can’t help them, they suffer more. Luckily, the people around me have good support networks without fully needing to depend on any single person.

2. Sudden deaths or comas, such as when someone gets into an accident and is only conscious for a few more hours of their life.

That last one is dark to write. The thought fills me with sadness. I will attempt to describe my personal considerations, but I fully respect that for you, this may be different. I’m not trying to convince you. This newsletter is an exercise in curiosity, not righteousness.

If you are one of the friends I’ve mentioned or one of the people I’ve talked about these topics with: thank you for helping me to think about these topics. I’m not trying to speak to you indirectly through this write-up; if I have something to say to you about this, I will come to you directly.

Every goodbye can be your last one

I once heard some relationship advice that stuck with me. It was to not leave in the middle of an argument. It could be the last moment you see each other, and then that is it. So I’ve tried to be more mindful of that and have tried to approach difficult situations in a way where at least I’d not have a partner doubt my appreciation and love for them, should it be the last time we saw each other.

I used to think this was dark to think about. Well, I’m about to up the ante.

(If you’re grieving or struggling with your mental health, you may want to skip the next paragraph)

Every time you’re in a room with other people: one of you is going to die first, and one of you is going to outlive all the others. It’s a fact of life. This also means that one day, for each of these people, your goodbye hug or kiss will be your final one. It is unavoidable.

Each moment is precious

We are all aware of mortality, but do we treat our moments together as such? Do we say goodbye with the awareness of our mortality? What do we do in between the moments of hello and goodbye?

As I’m writing this, I’m doing a little thought exercise. Join me if you’d like. I’m thinking of a handful of people that I love. I’m trying to recall the last time I saw them, what we did, what we spoke about, how we said goodbye. Considering that that moment would have been the last moment I would ever see them or they would ever see me, is painful; it’s sad. But would I have peace with it? I try to live in a way that I can always answer that question with a yes.

Being aware that each moment only happens once, that each moment together could be your last, are you happy with the degree of presence you bring into each moment? I’m not.

Severance

Have you seen Severance? The season 2 finale drops next week. It’s a (fictional) show about people who get a brain implant that splits their consciousness in two. One version only exists at work, the other only outside it. When they step into the office elevator, the implant activates and they become their “work self,” with no memory of life outside. At the end of the day, they step back into the elevator, and their “outside self” takes over, unaware of anything that happened at work. Their bodies and minds live two separate lives, each completely blind to the other.

I feel a version of this in my own life during my experiment, albeit not that extreme. Being out for a few hours without my phone feels like a small holiday. When I’m at home, I tend to be very online. I might be watching something while eating something, while being on my phone. I flood my brain with impulses for hours in a row.

That is very different from when I am outside, experiencing the world. The world has impulses too, but far fewer. They are pebbles tossed into a lake compared to the rocks into a puddle that the digital impulses are. When there’s an empty moment, my attention does not go toward my phone to pull me out of the moment and cast rocks into the puddle. Instead, I look around. Take things in. Surprisingly, it does not get boring, because there is nothing else to do but see, listen, feel. When I eventually return home, I feel calm, recharged, and softly focused.

This week, I have started feeling the contrast at my front door. I come home calm and focused. An hour or two later, I am at my front door again, facing out into the world, and I notice my mind is scattered, jumpy, and I am carrying stress in my body. It reminds me of the elevator in Severance.

The cost of being reachable at all times

You may have a different relationship with your phone than I do. I feel vulnerable writing this because maybe it reads like there’s something wrong with me, but to be honest, I think most of us are struggling with the same topics. But if none of this applies to you: thank you for reading. I appreciate and admire your curiosity.

The benefit of being reachable is clear. I could rush to a hospital and share a last moment with someone I love. I could make sure they are not alone, in the case that their support network fails and there really is nobody else there for them. It’s just unlikely. Most of the time I can be reached. I’m by my phone, other people with phones, or my laptop for 20 hours a day (if we include when I’m sleeping). That’s a guess. It could even be more on most days. Some days less. Besides, this isn’t radical. This is how the world used to be not long ago. It’s within living memory for most of us.

The question I ask myself is: is that worth being less present for each moment I spend with everyone?

Your answer may be yes. For me, it’s no.

---

I’m curious to know where you stand. I know being away from one’s phone for a few hours a day is not for everyone. Let’s find out whether other people feel the same way as you do.

I’d also love to hear from you in the comments!

---

Wholesome Corner (• ᵔ‿ᵔ •)

Welcome to this new section of the newsletter. This is where I’ll share links that may make your life a little better.

• “I don’t want the news to take me away from the parts of the world I can positively affect,” reflects essayist and writer Pico Ayer, on The Gray Area podcast with Sean Illing, in this episode about finding and using silence. The exact episode is called A moment for silence if you want to search it on your fav podcast player. 🤫

• Before finding out I have ADHD, I thought I was an extrovert with strong introverted tendencies. Over the past year, I’ve learned that I’m actually more of an introvert and have come to embrace it. On the 10% Happier podcast, Dan Harris interviews Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. The episode touches a lot of aspects, including how to know whether you’re more of an extrovert or introvert. 🎧

• Tasting History is a YouTube channel with a culinary approach to history. You can learn about what it was like to visit a medieval tavern meal, what ancient Roman cheesecake tasted like, or how to prepare the Siamese king Rama V’s curry. 🥘